I'm feeling odd today – experiencing an odd combination of feelings. I feel emotional and raw. Like something is just below the surface, yet not ready to emerge anytime soon. And I'm also feeling a bit numb.
I'm in a rarely visited space between my head and my heart.
As if I've got one foot standing in each spot. Like when you have one foot still in the boat and one already on the dock. And there's that in-between moment and space when you're not sure if you will wind up wet.
That's where I am.
It’s my birthday today.
I am "turning." Which reminds me that soon I'll be "pushing," and then I'll be "hitting."
I love to celebrate. I'm not one to dread birthdays. Really I'm not. But this morning I find myself moody and hormonal. Uninterested in celebrations. Unable to do more than contemplate ... but I feel like I should be doing something else. Maybe something fun. Maybe making a "bucket list" of things I want to do before I die.
See, that’s morbid thinking on your birthday.
So I just started a load of laundry – well that's something. Something done. I hoped some chores might make me feel more myself. Which is silly because I never feel very “myself” while doing household chores. But instead of feeling spurred on to other tasks, I stare at the window of wet, spinning clothes and want to climb inside for the ride. For the cleansing. To come out refreshed and renewed.
One's birthday is a free ride of sorts - you get to choose what you want to do, and where you'll go. I should've started my morning at Starbucks with an iced latte. Then hit the gym. Then maybe the bookstore or mall for some browsing. After all, you get to buy stuff on your birthday guilt-free, right?
Then I should be joining my girlfriends or family for lunch at a cute little bistro. And eat some mayonnaise-laden thing followed by desert in the middle of the day. That's what I had in mind but I've done none of that today, and can't quite muster a compelling desire to.
Instead I woke up this morning with a strong sense of life's fragility. What is here can easily be gone. And what remains can easily be changed. I'm seeing it all around me. In my life and in those I love. And it has me standing between dock and boat today. It’s not a bad place to be. I'm not mad or sad, or even stressed. It just feels odd.
I think I'll decide it's a gift. A place of insight. A place of discovery. A place where appreciation is gained and intention is forged.
Yes, that’s feeling more right by the minute ... appreciation, insight, intention ….
I am feeling more centered now. Still over the water with one foot in each place, but balanced. And in no danger of getting wet.
This is why I write. To figure out what I think and feel. And decide what I will feel and think.
So maybe I'm ready for that tall, decaf latte now. And a little celebration.
In honor of my birthday, I've got a book to giveaway: the novel "The Big 50ish" by Sandra D. Bricker. No, I'm not turning 50 today and I don't think you have to be 50 to enjoy this read. So post a comment by Thursday and tell me something on your bucket list.
Heading out into the sun now for some celebratory fun.