Wednesday, June 17, 2009

A Couple Questions

1) If we were all sitting in the same room together and I asked you if your appearance - how you physically look - was important to you, would you nod your head yes or no? Does how you look affect how you feel about yourself, or even your mood in general?

2) Now let me ask this, do you ever get frustrated with how your husband looks? Does his hair, toenails or fashion sense disturb you? When he looks sloppier than you think he should - like for a holiday or a important family event - do you feel like it reflects on you somehow? Ever feel like if you were more important to him he would make more effort to clean up a little nicer?

I'm preparing the next post in the Why Men Cheat series but I wanted to get some feedback from women on these questions first. So fire away in the comments section, and hit anonymous if you want. As always, thanks for being so honest with me here.


  1. Hey Rachel, I'm responding to your search for "gutsy women" to answer that I saw on Twitter. I'm gutsy, here's my answers.

    1. Yes, I do care about my appearance..WAY more than I should. And yes, it often affects my mood and how I feel about myself. That has been a lifelong struggle that I could write a book about!

    2.As for this one, I have to say I am one blessed woman. My husband looks very good most of the time. He is a blue jeans and flip flops kind of guy with scruff on his face, and I LOVE IT!! He is way more fashion conscious than I am. Just today he told me he went to Steinmart, not to go shopping, but just to check and make sure he was still dressing in style.

    If anything, I feel like sometimes I'm a let down to him in the appearance dept. Although, he has never said that and he tells me I'm beautiful every day.

    Love ya Rach! and I love the nature of your blogging lately. Great stuff!!!!

  2. AnonymousJune 17, 2009

    I am also commenting after seeing your post on Twitter..

    1. Yes, I care about the way I look. I like to look nice and, honestly, would like others to always think I look nice. I do think it affects my mood. I've always said that if I leave the house in the morning and the last way I saw myself in the mirror before I left was a "good viewing" then more than likely it will be a better day than if what I felt I saw was "below par"...then I would probably not feel as confident in my day. (sad, but true)

    2.I have a husband who takes very good care of himself. He always looks nice and wants to look clean and neat. So, I don't struggle with that with him. He probably does a better job at that than I do at it! :)He is always very complimentary to me.

    Thanks, Rachel. I have truly been blessed by your blogs. God has used them mightyly.

  3. Hi Rachel!
    1.) Yes, I do care about my appearance. I think when I let myself get sloppy, I allow my whole life to become, work performance, house, etc. And when I don't feel good about my looks then I neglect my husband. So, working out, eating right are very important to me because when I neglect 1 area it's easier to neglect all..even God.

    2.)Yes, I admit I get upset at times. I tell him, "You are NOT a bachelor anymore so quit it! How you look reflects me." For the most part though he keeps himself looking handsome. And yes, to your last question too. Especially if he falls asleep watching TV without brushing his teeth. He gets up out of a dead sleep to do it though..guess to prove his love for me. LOL...I'm not that bad, but we have had our issues over the years on all these things. Thankfully, what we have learned at the Family Life Weekend to Remember conferences we attend each year has really helped us stay together no matter what.

    Great questions Rachel!

  4. AnonymousJune 17, 2009

    Hi Rachel just a little info of me
    1. Yes, I really do care about the way I look, I think mostly because of being a Pastors wife, knowing I am looked upon alot, sometimes to much, which I know is bad and it does affect the way I act at times more on the way I am intimately with my husband, but I really try not to let it bother me.

    2. As for my husband, even though he's a pastor and he is an awesome guy, but I try to get him to dress a little bit more stylish and he dresses ok but a little to old for his age, I think. Trying to get him there. Other than that he is one awesome Dude!

    Thank you so much for touching so many lives on what you have to say.
    Be Blessed~

  5. AnonymousJune 17, 2009

    1. Yes, I definitely care...and worry...about my appearance. Extra weight, grey hair.... it all adds up to make me struggle in the self-esteem department.

    2. No, my husband is a good-looking guy. He's not super-trendy, but he's fit and looks good in his own jeans & t-shirt style. He seems very comfortable in his own skin. I wish that I was!

  6. Rachel, I still want to look presentable when I go out in public, however I have looked within myself and realized that if I am wearing clean clothes that fit right and my hair is neat, that's all I am concerned about. I used to worry alot more about how I looked several years ago and because I am a full figured woman, I make every attempt to make sure my clothes fit properly, other than that, I am quite content in knowing that I am just fine. God accepts me just as I am so why should I be concerned about what "people" think. I don't mean to sound flippant. I am just so secure in my walk with Jesus that He's got my sides. He's me Creator and He gets me through. You know Rachel, we are always much more critical of ourselves than others are. I try to hang around positive people and my "true friends" see what's on the inside and aren't concerned so much with the outside. I am working out just about every day for the last couple months and eating right and have already claimed good health and a slim me in about a year. God is taking care of the rest because I owe it all to Him and He gives me the strength to get on my treadmill each day and He is my motivator because after all, this is His temple.

    Your second question I can't answer in the views of a wife because I have been divorced for almost 18 years. I will say that years ago I dated a guy who was not very good with keeping hisself up. I used to feel embarassed because his clothes were often wrinkled and abit worn out. Let me say this, I was in my early forties. Now, especially since I read this question I feel baad that I felt as though it was a reflection on me. He wasn't my husband. Either way, he is a grown man and he should be responsible for his own appearance and I shouldn't have felt the way I did. What's most important is what's inside of us not the outside. If we're clean and looking presentable, that's all we need to worry about. Lets put more focus on God and what He wants for all of us.

    Be blessed, my Sister

    Jo-Ann/Aurora, Co

  7. AnonymousJune 17, 2009

    Hi Rachel, I do care about how I look, especially now more than ever. I am considered obese. I've believed my husband loves me for who and what I am since we were married almost six years ago, until three weeks ago when I found pornography on our computer. Tough. That night the Lord told me, "You can either submit to the Spirt or retaliate in the flesh." Oh how I wanted to retaliate, but I didn't and don't want that separation from the Father, my Father. The Lord began healing that night. Still much healing to be done, but yes, I believe the appearance is important, BUT, I believe the hearts appearance is more important. Now, part two, my husband has never been one to dress up. In fact, I've only seen him in a tie two times. I married him knowing how he dressed. He has improved...I will say that. Family gatherings are normally him in shorts and a raggy t-shirt. Bother me, sometimes; important, doesn't matter in eternity. I have to click anonymous as my husband would be hurt if this got out. I am a small group I am able to talk to. I hope this is not off the beaten course....

  8. Rachel,

    Great blog stuff.

    I want to chime in on the Reasons Men Cheat. I am heartsick over Senator Ensign. He is from Nevada, my home state, and a outspoken Christian. Our Christian community is in shock. He put everything at stake--I doubt it was because he wasn't "satisfied" at home. Why do men or women cheat? Sin nature. I am sad.

  9. Yes I care about my appearance- I like to look nice, and when others se me I want them to think I look nice and care about my appearance. I don't let it affect my attitude for the day generally but if I need a big dose of confidence for speaking or something similar my appernce plays a part. I can't answer question 2 I am single but I can tell you I would want my husband to look nice as I do now with a man friend. I would see this as a reflection on me as his wife and honestly would now being single- I wnt any man I am sn with to look nice.

  10. Gutsy enough - here goes.

    Yes, I stay concerned about how I look: my weight, my hair, my clothes. Negative self talk can be a swirling vortex that sucks the life out of me if I am not careful to "cast those imaginations down" as the Bible tells me to. But, that doesn't make me immune to the struggle. I am a young mom of 3 year old triplets that sometimes struggles to get the "highschool memory" of my 5'10" 135 lb frame out of her mind. As my 10 year class reunion is 2 months away - it is really on my brain lately.

    For your second question, my husband is very conscious about how he looks. He picks himself apart physically though. I think we are equally as hard on ourselves in the "physical appearance" category.

  11. I do too care about my appearance. It doesn't help that i have gained weight in the past few years. So it does affect how I feel sometimes.

    My husband doesn't dress bad. Most time looks neat. Once in awhile, it does bother me. After 25 years, I have learned to pick my battles. Sometimes I do say something. But I have learned if I ask nicely, he will change. We went away for our 25th recently. And we were going somewhere dressy. I did buy him a new polo. He complained some. But wore it for me.

    But my husband tells me I am beautiful to him. So I can't complain

  12. AnonymousJune 18, 2009

    Hey Rachel,

    1. I do care about myself and my appearance. It does affect my mood for the day or where ever I may be. If I feel pretty than it shows in my attitude!

    2. This is why I went anonymous :)
    I Love,Loveeee my husband, but he just doesn't seem to care about some things, and the toes nails wheww are bad girl, I tell him alot cut them things. When he has a reason to dress up you can see that he really wants to look great, but everyday life is just a ordinary day. I wish he would take more pride in himself. But all of this really doesn't matter, I love him, and if I get tired of those toe nails, then I will cut them and give him a pedicure. I will ask him nicely to change his shirt and he usually will. It's ok because it stills works.

  13. 1. Appearance is important but not the most important. For example if i'm in a room full of women i will double check myself but i don't stress about it.

    2. My husband's appearance doesn't seem to bother me but he doesn't generally leave without looking presentable.

  14. Hey Rachel!

    1. Appearance is important to me ... but it doesn't rule me. I don't wear make-up, even though I have been told when I wear it, I look incredibly awesome. I am a comfy-clothes girl. I can dress up and look nice, but most of the time, I just want to be comfy.

    2. Do I get frustrated with the way my husband looks? Sometimes. But only because he is color blind and tries to make what he thinks are "good" color choices when they really are not. I used to worry about his weight, and I would talk to him about it almost constantly. Then I quit. And a little over 2 months ago, God smacked him on the back of the head during a sermon at our church. He changed his lifestyle immediately ... and he has lost 30+ pounds. He still has a long way to go, but I am so very proud of him for sticking to this!

  15. AnonymousJune 21, 2009

    This is a tough one to answer honestly, Rachel.

    I care about my appearance but probably more than my appearance justifies. I'm not particularly good-looking but do try to look presentable and professional. I have found that some groups of friends make me much more conscious of my appearance (and feeling inadequate) so I try to keep it in perspective.

    I don't think I've ever felt my husband's appearance reflects on me personally but I do wish sometimes he cared a little more. He always looks nice when we're going out but he works from home and sitting around in sweats all day with 4 inches of belly hanging out of his shirt does not exactly light my fire. Typically he doesn't even shower until supper time. Not that he's nasty 'til then but still...I do love him very much and do not criticize his weight because I know he does feel sensitive about it. I just wish I knew better how to motivate him to better health and that I didn't feel discouraged that he doesn't feel the need to clean up more often for me.

  16. Yes, my physical appearance affects the way I feel about myself. Some days, if I'm feeling not so pretty... I adopt the motto, "Fake it till I make it!" and then I dress up a bit. It seems to help. I'm not concerned about others thinking I look nice. I find it interesting how looking nice seems to help me FEEL better about myself.

    As for my husband... he always looks great! He definitely has a better eye for fashion than I do and he dresses nice. Nope, not frustrated by the way he looks.

  17. I do care about how I look, though I have never been trendy or used a lot of makeup. I am blessed to have good coloring and fairly nice skin. I also do not dye my hair, God has done a beautiful highlighting job with the salt and pepper. My main stuggle is with my weight...and I am very self consious about it.
    My husband is very handsom...even in his work clothes (jeans & t-shirts) when he remodels, he looks good...I just have to throw some things away when they get beyond presentable...
    I wish I looked as good as he does...but he loves me and tells me everyday...even after 24 years!

  18. AnonymousJune 23, 2009

    1. I do worry about how I look, but mostly about the things I can't control. Like my skin- I have acne and I feel so ugly when I have a breakout- I don't even want my husband or daughter to look at me without makeup. I have tried all kinds of things, even am on prescriptions for it. Anyway, the other day, my husband (of 20 years) said something that really helped me. I was feeling ugly and he got all smoochy with me and told me how beautiful I was. I said- you cannot find me attractive when I look like this! He replied, "don't you think I can find you beautiful no matter what you look like?" I said, "No, I don't". He said, "You're wrong. I see all of you, and I see that you are beautiful." That was awesome.
    Honestly, latey I have been struggling with my age. I have a few gray hairs and some wrinkles, and some vericose veins. I am 39. I have had a problem wth enjoying attention from men other than my husband because it boosts my self-esteem when a young guy finds me attractive. I wonder if this is a mid-life crisis. I want to stay young and beautiful on the outside and I don't like the fact that I will not always be attractive to the opposite sex. I am working on this and praying daily, but this is how I really feel. Whew- you wanted honest answers, right? Now that I have written it I see how vain it is. yuck.
    2. Yes, I do care about how my hubby looks, but he is usually accepting of my fashion advice, like when I tell him not to wear black socks with tan pants! He is adorable, though.

  19. AnonymousJune 23, 2009

    1. Yes, I do care about my appearance, but it is not to an extreme. I know there are a world of temptations out there and that sometimes I need to take that little extra effort for my husband that I might not take for myself.

    2. No, my husband's appearance is not normally an issue. He is, in fact, much more "fashion conscious" than I am. He has a great sense of style and loves clothes and shoes more than I do, so on this one it is probably more the other way around--probably my appearance sometimes bothers him more than his bothers me!

  20. Hi Rachel, I'm new to your blog. Just read your devotional on P31 and it struck a nerve. As to your questions, I do care about my appearance when I go out. I'm not a fashion plate by any means but I do feel more confident if I know I look nice. My husband of 38 years is a wonderful man who, within the past year because of health problems, has started taking more interest in his weight. He look great, but even when he was overweight, I didn't feel it reflected on me. He usually dresses casual but nice.
    I really like the enlightening nature of your blog and plan to visit it regularly. I need all the help I can get!

  21. Within the last six months I have lost over 100 pounds with weight loss surgery and 100% healthy eating habits and exercise. Mostly, I did it to be able to grow old with my beloved husband and so I can watch my grandchildren grow up. But there was a small part of me that whispered, "look at what you've let happen to youself" and then I would let myself get depressed. My wonderful husband let me know, by word and deed, that it was me he was in love with, not my body.
    He also has a weight problem, and I look at him through the same love-filled eyes that he saw me. Now he, too, is preparing for the weight loss surgery in order to start the process of getting healthy.
    We have always, through thick and thin, saw the love in each other, not the body. So we always "looked good"

    Thx for your wonderful blogs

  22. Hello Rachel,
    My answer to your question about my husbands looks reflecting me ~ I don't think that way. It dosen't bother me how he is dressed for what ever occasion or wherever we may be going. Nor does his hair style bother me. When I look upon my husband it's as if all his physical disappears and all I see is a man who truly loves me, protects me and provides for me and our kids. I do believe that all my husbands actions and abilities of love is God's way of taking care of us.
    Thanks for asking.

  23. AnonymousJune 23, 2009

    Yes, I also care about my appearance. A few extra pounds each year was starting to add up, and I was feeling less and less confident about the way I looked and was starting to let it affect the way I responded to my husband's affection toward me. I decided to finally do something about it and started exercising with a girlfriend. It really helped to motivate me when I had someone to help hold me accountable. I lost 18 lbs over about 7-8 months and became a runner. I love it now and can't remember why it took me so long to start. I feel so much healthier and more energetic. I wish I could get my husband on- board now. He's tired when he gets home from work and can't find time to exercise. He has gained probably 60 pounds since we married 20 years ago. I miss his energy and his healthy look. I still love him but just don't find him as attractive as I once did. I love so many other things about him but his appearance really bothers me sometimes. I know that he would truly enjoy the benefits of living a healthier lifestyle and I try to encourage him without being a nag or making him feel bad. I continue to pray that someday he will decide for himself that he wants to make his health a priority.

  24. AnonymousJune 23, 2009

    Hi Rachel,
    Funny how you can read something and it is exactly how you feel! I do care about my appearance. Not to extreme but I do like to look nice. I don't believe how I look affects my mood so much but I do notice that if I go too long with out a hair cut I tend to feel kinda weatherd and worn...tired looking. I don't like that feeling.

    As far as my husband goes, you hit the nail on the head. I feel just as you wrote to the "T".

    Thanks for your way with words.

  25. AnonymousJuly 03, 2009

    Sometimes I care and sometimes I don't. As I have aged, now 55, I care less than I used to. Age is very humbling...the first time i had a few gray hairs I ran back to my hair colorist to cover it's a losing battle and I just take in stride. I try my best to look attractive because I am single and it makes me feel good. I am no longer a slave to fashion...I like what i like but I am also not so far out that I'm out of style. WHen I had someone in my life I was very aware of how he looked and I did think that how he dressed reflected on how he felt about me if we were going out, but not if we were just hanging out together.

    Just one more thing about looks, I was saved late in life and I thought Christian men cared more about a woman's heart, but I found they are no different than anyone else...they still look at how a woman looks, presents herself. In fact, it hurt when i realized that they were not different. That being said...I have matured in my faith and I now know that if God has someone for me, or when...well, He is in charge and raggedly looking or knock out, when God in at the helm it won't mattter...'the kings heart is like water in the hands of God, he directs it as He wishes'.

  26. AnonymousJuly 03, 2009

    I have heard Pastor's preach from that even an old barn needs a good coat of paint. I have to admit I was really upset by the pastor saying that. God teaches that looks fade...and He is pretty clear about what really matters, a Proverbs 31 woman, but even pastor's push the 'looks' world view. In fact, I have yet to see a pastor with an ugly wife, interesting.

  27. Good morming a few days late....
    1. I am concerned about the way I look, althought God made me the way I am minus a few pounds. (I blame me for being fat LOL). I want to be clean and neat as I can. I don't wear alot of makeup because I am lazy. I am so not high maintenance. I should take more pains with myself but there are always more important things to consider.
    2. I love my husband with my whole heart but there are times when I wished I could just shake him. He so doesn't know what an iron is, and he won't let me use one most of the times. He is a good looking chap and I am very happy with him. I do wished sometimes he would iron his clothes or shave a little closer, but hey I look at me and he is happy with my flip flops on Sunday mornings and no make-up most of the time so I will allow him some faults too. Thanks for your blog.


Chime in.