The Male Psyche (& heart)

Before I move on with the survey results with the 25,000 men and what they had to say about physical intimacy, I want to linger a moment on the emotional intimacy topic.

Christian writer Shaunti Feldhahn did some research of her own. She interviewed 1,000 men to find out what they wished their wives knew. Check out three of her findings:

1) Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate or disrespected. Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives admire them, trust them and believe in them. In fact, most men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them according to this research. Note, this can't be empty flattery but must be honest respect - find something you can genuinely praise and thank him for.

2) A man's anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife. When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, "You're disrespecting me and that upsets me!" But, there is a good chance he is feeling stung by something his wife has said or done which he considers humiliating. Gals, this is frequently the source of those marital spats that seem to us to "come out of nowhere." His "disrespected meter" can be so sensitive that we frequently have no idea we are tripping it with what we say.

Notice I used the words "often" and "feeling" in this one. I'm not looking to make us feel guilty, or to blame his anger issues on us. However, the Bible does tell us specifically to respect our husbands - clearly God knows this is big for men.

3) Men are more insecure than they let on. Men can fear they aren't cutting it in life ... as a man, a provider, a husband, a lover, a father, a leader, a Christian, etc. Again, they may never vocalize this, but they feel it and revealed it in this research. The antidote to their insecurity? Plugging into God, of course. But also, affirmation from you - which makes them feel secure and confident in all areas of their life. When men don't receive affirmation from their wives, they will often seek it elsewhere, or become vulnerable to the affirmation other women may offer them.

Again, I said "often." Please realize these are factually-based generalizations that are helpful to know, but cannot be applied or used to explain every case. Nonetheless, it is great food for thought - and action - for us wives.

You can find more in Feldhahn's book For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. Also, other good resources have been mentioned in the comments of the Why Mean Cheat post below, so check that out if you haven't.

Hang on, girls, the discussion of physical intimacy is coming.

(um ... how did I get myself into this?) :)

Lust

Have a got a topic of conversation for us today - LUST.

That word just sitting there on the page of my blog makes me slightly uncomfortable. It's as if the four letters posses some kind of bold, memorizing power when I look at them. Like they don't quite sit still. We're talking one of the "7 deadly sins" here, and I want to know what you think about it. Honestly. Authentically.

Anonymously, is fine.

• Is lust something you ever wrestle with?


• How would you define lust?


• Who is most often the target or trigger of lust for you?


• Are you married or single?
  
• What do you think influences one's tendency to lust?

And what I most want to ask you is, how do you handle it when you find yourself wrapped in lust's feel-good trance?

I'll be the first to admit that lusting feels good. It's fun to entertain ... at least until you want to stop, and find it's not so easy to push out of your mind. Suddently, you no longer feel in control of your thoughts. For real, right?

I'm helping my pastor research this topic for an upcoming sermon series, and would love to hear your thoughts, suggestions and questions about LUST in the comments. Last week we had a meeting where we discussed this topic some. I was the only female in the room, and I could tell the guys didn't think this was much of a big problem for women ... but I suspect lust is more of an equal-gender, equal-opportunity tempter than they realize. So I'm hoping you'll at least let me know if you agree or not.

Thanks for sharing with me

I've been so touched by your comments on the anxious heart post. I'm thrilled to know that God's hope, through my words and experiences, reached your heart and affected your day! I truly believe that as women we have to be proactive about keeping our emotions submitted to Christ - otherwise we can say or do some pretty damaging things ... or wind up doing nothing at all because we get too overwhelmed.

Yesterday was sunny and pretty, today its cold and rainy here - the type of day that makes it easy for the emotions to slump. No matter, I turned on some warm lighting, some ambient music, and first thing today I turned my soul towards Christ. I started my day by praying for God to forgive me my sins and cleanse my soul, and to give me the mind of Christ today. I asked for help in keeping my emotions in check and for wisdom in all that I do and say today. When I start my day this way, it is so centering and grounding. Doesn't mean I never lose that center later in the day, but it does mean that I can usually get back to center more quickly if I do.

Someone commented that they have physical limitations that prevent them from walking and she wanted to know if she'd still be able to get a grip on her moods ... she asked if sitting and praying would be enough. The answer to that is a resounding YES. Prayer is a more powerful force than endorphins. That's why I listed prayer and Bible reading ahead of exercise and chocolate. Do whatever you can do ... think of it as being a good steward of your emotions ... and remember that you can always pray anytime, anywhere.

But with that said, I will echo Alyce's comment that sometimes our depression can pass a certain point and we need to seek help from a pastor, counselor or medical doctor. Never hesitate to do so.

Since its too yucky here to go outside, right now I've got Sunrise Earth on the DVD player. Search my blog for the post on Sunrise Earth if you aren't familiar with this show. At this particular time in my life I don't work the 9 to 5 office desk-job that I once did. Instead I work 4 different jobs in varying locations, including writing and editing from home where I have some control over my environment. But if I did still work at that office, I would so take this DVD to work with me to play on my computer while I'm working. Something about the sights and sounds of nature soothes us. Research has demonstrated that the sound of the ocean is the most universally soothing sound on the planet! Nature can be one of God's built-in stress relievers for us - so get some fresh air, sunshine, and views of God's green earth when you can.

Hadassah mentioned using CDs of scripture set to music in her car. I have a couple of those in my 10-disc CD player in my car. Mine came with the "First Place" Bible study books I bought. I never did the First Place program but years ago I bought the first couple workbooks with CDs in their series at my local bookstore and have enjoyed them.

I had to laugh out loud at the woman who commented that her husband sometimes begs her, "Please, take a walk!!!" when she gets all menopausal. I'm not at that stage yet but nonetheless there have been days my husband has looked at me and said, "Go do whatever you need to do to recharge your batteries." Evidently I'm not the cute, pink Energizer Bunny I fantasize being in my head!

Some of you got some really tough news yesterday, or faced some difficult circumstances this week, and I just want you to know that I have prayed for you. And I consider it an honor to do so. Don't loose sight of God, or hope in Him - and do what you need to do to keep your emotional self above water.

In closing, I thought it was so cool that the BibleGateway verse of the day in my sidebar today happens to be Psalm 139:23-24:

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Let's follow Him today in the {peacefeul} way everlasting.

RX for an anxious heart

Welcome if you followed the link from my devotion running today with Proverbs 31 Ministries. I talked about feeling frustrated from the get-go the other day and struggling to get a grip on my emotions. That particular day it was frustration and disappointment (laced with a little selfishness I'm sure). Other days it has been guilt, or sadness, or envy, or anger, or just plain feeling emotionally hurt by someone.

In a Gallup poll a few years ago, 90% of respondents described women as "emotional." And according to the National Academy of Sciences, they're right. The Academy says, "Women's brains are wired to both feel and recall emotions more keenly than the brains of men."

Furthermore, an article in Scientific American warns that, "Women who hold back feelings of anger may end up more irate in the long run. According to new research, women experience a rebound effect when they suppress angry emotions, which can result in greater feelings of fury."

You're probably thinking, tell me something I don't know!

So what can we do when we feel our emotions getting the best of us?

Number one on my list of responses is PRAYER. Take those seemingly unruly feelings to the One who can handle them. There have been times I've grieved so deeply over the loss of my mother I could scarcely get a line of prayer out admit my uncontrollable sobbing, only to have God answer that prayer for peace and completely calm my heart in the span of a single second. He is the God of all Comfort, the Prince of Peace, and the Author of a sound mind.

Also on my list is READ the Bible. This is the one I turned to the day I wrote the "Feeling Emotional" devotion. I can renew my mind with the Words of truth, replacing my overly emotional - often irrational - thoughts with eternal reality from the Reality Maker Himself.

This next one may make some of us groan with disgust, but its proven that EXERCISE can calm our stress and get us thinking clearly again. Some time on my treadmill with upbeat music playing does me a lot of good (once I get myself there). I think Elle Woods in the movie Legally Blonde explained this one quite well when she said, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don't kill their husbands. They just don't." :)

Which leads me to the next one, HUMOR. Everybody needs somebody who can make them laugh out loud. Laughter not only makes us feel better, but its good for our health according to Proverbs 17:22, and it can stimulate our problem-solving abilities as well.

Sometimes I just have to WRITE. Spilling my feelings onto the page of a journal can unburden my mind. And writing a letter to someone who hurt me can unburden my heart. Most of the time I decide never to send the letter, but that's ok because it served its purpose in the moment to help me think things through and calm down. Years later I still have some of those letters saved on my computer. Somehow I feel better knowing that I could send them if I decided I really needed to.

And last but certainly not least, is STARBUCKS. There's few things better than a soy latte to steady my hormones ... except maybe a vanilla soy latte and some dark CHOCOLATE. You didn't really think I could write a post on dealing with women's emotions without mentioning food did you?

If you've got any (food or non-food) solutions for reigning in your emotions on days when they're flying - please do share. Meanwhile, here's wishing us both an emotionally peaceful day.

Now that I've had my Starbucks, I'm off to pray while walking on my treadmill (just for preventative measures) ...