The Male Psyche (& heart)

Before I move on with the survey results with the 25,000 men and what they had to say about physical intimacy, I want to linger a moment on the emotional intimacy topic.

Christian writer Shaunti Feldhahn did some research of her own. She interviewed 1,000 men to find out what they wished their wives knew. Check out three of her findings:

1) Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate or disrespected. Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives admire them, trust them and believe in them. In fact, most men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them according to this research. Note, this can't be empty flattery but must be honest respect - find something you can genuinely praise and thank him for.

2) A man's anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife. When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, "You're disrespecting me and that upsets me!" But, there is a good chance he is feeling stung by something his wife has said or done which he considers humiliating. Gals, this is frequently the source of those marital spats that seem to us to "come out of nowhere." His "disrespected meter" can be so sensitive that we frequently have no idea we are tripping it with what we say.

Notice I used the words "often" and "feeling" in this one. I'm not looking to make us feel guilty, or to blame his anger issues on us. However, the Bible does tell us specifically to respect our husbands - clearly God knows this is big for men.

3) Men are more insecure than they let on. Men can fear they aren't cutting it in life ... as a man, a provider, a husband, a lover, a father, a leader, a Christian, etc. Again, they may never vocalize this, but they feel it and revealed it in this research. The antidote to their insecurity? Plugging into God, of course. But also, affirmation from you - which makes them feel secure and confident in all areas of their life. When men don't receive affirmation from their wives, they will often seek it elsewhere, or become vulnerable to the affirmation other women may offer them.

Again, I said "often." Please realize these are factually-based generalizations that are helpful to know, but cannot be applied or used to explain every case. Nonetheless, it is great food for thought - and action - for us wives.

You can find more in Feldhahn's book For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. Also, other good resources have been mentioned in the comments of the Why Mean Cheat post below, so check that out if you haven't.

Hang on, girls, the discussion of physical intimacy is coming.

(um ... how did I get myself into this?) :)

Soul Mates reaction

Wow, what an big response to yesterday's devotion Soul Mates about affairs. Many of you shared your story at my Another Touchy Topic post, or at the P31 devo blog, or in a private email to me.

Thank you for opening up about your experiences, and offering your heart-felt advice.

It was truly moving to read. And it made we want to forget my pet peeves, get over my irritations and drop my demanding expectations of them and just throw my arms around my husband and family and hold them close.

I want you to know that I got on my knees in the floor of my office yesterday and prayed for every single marriage represented in those comments and emails. Oh how I wish I could send every one of you the devotional book His Princess Bride: Love Letters from Your Prince. I'll respond to your emails as I can this week - there are a lot of them, and I don't have all the answers, but I will respond.

And I'll be back later with more of the research results from the survey of 25,000 men.
Hugs ~ Rachel

Why Men Cheat

Ever wonder what drives a married man to stray? You might be surprised.

The following info comes from M. Gary Neuman's research with a diverse population of 25,000 men from 48 states. You can learn more in his book The Truth About Cheating.

Let me start with this quote: "Of the men who cheated, 69% never thought it was even a possibility they would cheat on their wives." In other words, most of these men are not "players," but decent men who were deeply in love with the woman they married ... until something changed.

Let's start looking into that part of the research.

Perhaps you are already assuming frequency of sex changed after the honeymoon period and that was his reason for cheating. Well, let's look at what they said when asked the following question:

What sort of marital dissatisfaction contributed to your infidelity?

48% said Mostly Emotional Dissatisfaction.

32% said Equally Emotional and Sexual Dissatisfaction.

8% said Primarily Sexual Dissatisfaction.

12% said "other" or that there was no marital dissatisfaction of any type.

So, only 8% of the men strayed just for the sex. Meanwhile, a whopping 80% of cheating husbands said a lack of emotional fulfillment within their relationship with their wife contributed to their decision to stray. Don't miss this - they weren't just looking for sex or excitement elsewhere, they were looking for love ... admiration ... companionship ... appreciation.

Are you surprised?

The cheating men lamented that over time, their wives stopped showing them love with simple gestures like a heart-felt compliment, a quick shoulder rub after a hard day at work, or taking the time to cook his favorite meal. They said touching decreased both inside and outside of the bedroom. They reported they no longer felt appreciated by their spouse, and felt no matter what they did, their wives weren't satisfied. In short, their wives were making them feel like a disappointment.

Work harder; earn more money. - Spend more time with the kids.

Help out more with the housework. - You aren't doing that correctly.

Later this week we will look at what these men had to say about physical intimacy, but I don't want us to miss this huge lesson about men and emotional intimacy. We tend to think of women as the emotional ones, but it is a grave mistake to assume that a husband doesn't have a tender part of his heart that craves nurture and appreciation from the woman he loves.

You'd probably be amazed at how much your touch, and your opinion of him means to him.

So wives, your challenge for today is to make sure your husband unmistakably feels your appreciation. Think for just a minute, I bet you can come up with one or two ways you can connect with your husband emotionally and show him you care. Feel free to leave your plans or ideas in the comments so we can all be inspired.

I'll be back with more from this research by Thursday. Meanwhile, I'm looking forward to your reactions!

Another touchy topic

 Welcome if you've come from my P31 devotion "Soul Mates." 

*Before you leave here today, if you are married, be sure and click here to read my earlier post on "Why Men Cheat." You don't want to miss it!


On this blog we've talked several times in the past about lust, affairs, and why men cheat (according to reserach). Today we're tackling the sensitive topic of: emotional affairs.

Aren't I just a bundle of fun?!

Here's why I ask. A sweet friend contacted me to confess that she is teetering on the edge of one ... perhaps even crossing the line. She wants to resist it, but he is filling needs for her that have not been filled in a long time with his words and attention. She doesn't want to do anything wrong; she is a believer. Yet she is finding the feelings he evokes and satisfies so hard to walk away from.

Have you ever found yourself in this situation - or close to it - with someone that is not your husband? If so, how did you get to that place - and how did you get back out of it?

What advice or prayers can you offer my friend?