A Couple Questions

1) If we were all sitting in the same room together and I asked you if your appearance - how you physically look - was important to you, would you nod your head yes or no? Does how you look affect how you feel about yourself, or even your mood in general?

2) Now let me ask this, do you ever get frustrated with how your husband looks? Does his hair, toenails or fashion sense disturb you? When he looks sloppier than you think he should - like for a holiday or a important family event - do you feel like it reflects on you somehow? Ever feel like if you were more important to him he would make more effort to clean up a little nicer?

I'm preparing the next post in the Why Men Cheat series but I wanted to get some feedback from women on these questions first. So fire away in the comments section, and hit anonymous if you want. As always, thanks for being so honest with me here.

Take that Woman Some Flowers

Love this comment left on the last post:

“I am a bald, pudgy middle aged guy whose wife somehow makes me believe after nearly 30 years that I am the only man in the world. I had never thought of it before, but a great deal of my confidence and the success it has driven in my professional career is the desire and respect I get from her. I think you are on to something."

I hope he brings his wife some flowers next week, or surprises her with a nice dinner out this weekend!

Notice he mentioned his physical appearance, and the fact that he is no Paul Newman, or Brad Pitt, or Zac Effron (depending on your age). Yet that doesn’t ultimately matter to her. He wasn’t always bald or middle-aged, he was her beloved - the one who chose her from among the others to be his. And after nearly 30 years of life together, I image she chooses to still see that guy when she looks at him.

I think it's really important to remember why you said, "I do."

This week we'll be talking here about what the men in the research had to say about their wives' appearance. I know you're interested ...

Why Men Cheat - pt 2

Ever wonder why exactly husbands cheat? I offer the following statistics from M. Gary Neuman's research with a diverse population of 25,000 men from 48 states. You can learn more in his book "The Truth About Cheating."

If you missed part one of this series, check it out here or scroll down.



Again I want to start with this quote: "Of the men who cheated, 69% never thought it was even a possibility they would cheat on their wives." In other words, most of these men were in love with the woman they married and never planned to stray.

Let me also begin with the caveat that cheating is a sin - their sin, not their wives' sin. Nonetheless, I think it is helpful to hear what they had to say about going from a guy who never expected to cheat, to one who did.

Forty percent of the men cited sexual dissatisfaction as a reason for their infidelity - though only 8% said that was the main reason they cheated. When asked about the sexual dissatisfaction within their marriage that contributed to their choice to go elsewhere, they're responded like this:

• 48% said Sex with my wife was too infrequent.



• 26% said Sex with my wife was unsatisfying.



• 15% said My wife had significantly neglected her appearance.



• 11% said Other.
  

Maybe you looked at that "too infrequent" answer topping the list, and thought, "Uh huh, just as I suspected. He is insatiable!" But hang on Bessie, we'll get to that topic for sure. Let's start off looking at the other responses first.

26% said sex with their wife was unsatisfying - which is kinda brutal to read, right? Are you wondering if your husband would describe sex with you as "unsatisfying?"

Now, I imagine some of these men may have developed unrealistic ideas about sex -from the media, bragging/lying friends, pornography, etc. That kind of thing can taint a perfectly good sex life. And I would not recommend a wife engage in deviant sexual behavior to please her husband.

But for others, I imagine their frustration was while their wives were tolerant about participating in sex, they weren't really interested. Continual lack of interest - even though it may just be that you are tired - weighs on him. He (like you I suspect) wants to feel desired.

In fact, Shauti Feldman's research with 1000 men revealed that when a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow also rejecting him as a whole - a husband, provider and man. Illogical? Yes! However, as a woman, you know all too well that emotions and insecurities feel real whether they are logical or not.

The flip side of this, according to Jim Burns, is "when men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life." As I read this I thought, "Wow, that is quite a gift a wife can give - and it benefits her ultimately too." ... not really something we should be totally indifferent about when we've pledged our life before God to be his help-meet. I'm just saying.

Maybe you're protesting, "But he doesn't make it fun for me, and it's hard to get real interested in it. There is no romance to it." I once heard a comedienne comment that she liked to talk during sex. She said she mostly said things like, "Beige ... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." It was funny, and yet sad.

Chances are, he wants to help you with upping your interest but isn't sure how. Jim and Shaunti both reveal that most men want to romance you and sweep you off your feet but they feel inadequate to do so (they hate to feel inadequate by the way). Jim writes, "Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high." So maybe we can convince them that their risk of failure is not as high as they think?

And for a percentage of the 26%, I imagine their wives are just uncomfortable sexually. Maybe they really are "bad in bed" as the saying goes. They may feel uneasy, tentative, awkward, unsure of themselves or how to do this. But this is something that can be changed if she is willing to work on it - it's a learning curve. This is something the two can work on together even. There are many helpful books on the subject- look here to find some highly rated ones from Christian authors.

Or, some of these wives may be struggling after experiencing prior sexual abuse - which breaks my heart. The good news is there are churches and counselors available to help a gal sort this awful experience out.

Let me once again put this in perspective, the vast majority of these cheating husbands did not stray because sex with their wives wasn't thrilling. (Only 26% of the 40% of men who cited sexual dissatisfaction said this.) So I do NOT want you to read this and feel you must transform yourself into a Victoria's Secret vixen to keep your man (more on that later this week).

If you're up for discussing this - which means either you are brave, or know how to use the anonymous comment option :) - feel free to post a comment or question.

PS. If you're at the magazine rack, check out the article called "Vanilla Sex" in Best You magazine this month.
PSS. Is that not the coolest looking bed in the photo?!

The Male Psyche (& heart)

Before I move on with the survey results with the 25,000 men and what they had to say about physical intimacy, I want to linger a moment on the emotional intimacy topic.

Christian writer Shaunti Feldhahn did some research of her own. She interviewed 1,000 men to find out what they wished their wives knew. Check out three of her findings:

1) Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate or disrespected. Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives admire them, trust them and believe in them. In fact, most men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them according to this research. Note, this can't be empty flattery but must be honest respect - find something you can genuinely praise and thank him for.

2) A man's anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife. When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, "You're disrespecting me and that upsets me!" But, there is a good chance he is feeling stung by something his wife has said or done which he considers humiliating. Gals, this is frequently the source of those marital spats that seem to us to "come out of nowhere." His "disrespected meter" can be so sensitive that we frequently have no idea we are tripping it with what we say.

Notice I used the words "often" and "feeling" in this one. I'm not looking to make us feel guilty, or to blame his anger issues on us. However, the Bible does tell us specifically to respect our husbands - clearly God knows this is big for men.

3) Men are more insecure than they let on. Men can fear they aren't cutting it in life ... as a man, a provider, a husband, a lover, a father, a leader, a Christian, etc. Again, they may never vocalize this, but they feel it and revealed it in this research. The antidote to their insecurity? Plugging into God, of course. But also, affirmation from you - which makes them feel secure and confident in all areas of their life. When men don't receive affirmation from their wives, they will often seek it elsewhere, or become vulnerable to the affirmation other women may offer them.

Again, I said "often." Please realize these are factually-based generalizations that are helpful to know, but cannot be applied or used to explain every case. Nonetheless, it is great food for thought - and action - for us wives.

You can find more in Feldhahn's book For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. Also, other good resources have been mentioned in the comments of the Why Mean Cheat post below, so check that out if you haven't.

Hang on, girls, the discussion of physical intimacy is coming.

(um ... how did I get myself into this?) :)

Why Men Cheat

Ever wonder what drives a married man to stray? You might be surprised.

The following info comes from M. Gary Neuman's research with a diverse population of 25,000 men from 48 states. You can learn more in his book The Truth About Cheating.

Let me start with this quote: "Of the men who cheated, 69% never thought it was even a possibility they would cheat on their wives." In other words, most of these men are not "players," but decent men who were deeply in love with the woman they married ... until something changed.

Let's start looking into that part of the research.

Perhaps you are already assuming frequency of sex changed after the honeymoon period and that was his reason for cheating. Well, let's look at what they said when asked the following question:

What sort of marital dissatisfaction contributed to your infidelity?

48% said Mostly Emotional Dissatisfaction.

32% said Equally Emotional and Sexual Dissatisfaction.

8% said Primarily Sexual Dissatisfaction.

12% said "other" or that there was no marital dissatisfaction of any type.

So, only 8% of the men strayed just for the sex. Meanwhile, a whopping 80% of cheating husbands said a lack of emotional fulfillment within their relationship with their wife contributed to their decision to stray. Don't miss this - they weren't just looking for sex or excitement elsewhere, they were looking for love ... admiration ... companionship ... appreciation.

Are you surprised?

The cheating men lamented that over time, their wives stopped showing them love with simple gestures like a heart-felt compliment, a quick shoulder rub after a hard day at work, or taking the time to cook his favorite meal. They said touching decreased both inside and outside of the bedroom. They reported they no longer felt appreciated by their spouse, and felt no matter what they did, their wives weren't satisfied. In short, their wives were making them feel like a disappointment.

Work harder; earn more money. - Spend more time with the kids.

Help out more with the housework. - You aren't doing that correctly.

Later this week we will look at what these men had to say about physical intimacy, but I don't want us to miss this huge lesson about men and emotional intimacy. We tend to think of women as the emotional ones, but it is a grave mistake to assume that a husband doesn't have a tender part of his heart that craves nurture and appreciation from the woman he loves.

You'd probably be amazed at how much your touch, and your opinion of him means to him.

So wives, your challenge for today is to make sure your husband unmistakably feels your appreciation. Think for just a minute, I bet you can come up with one or two ways you can connect with your husband emotionally and show him you care. Feel free to leave your plans or ideas in the comments so we can all be inspired.

I'll be back with more from this research by Thursday. Meanwhile, I'm looking forward to your reactions!

Another touchy topic

 Welcome if you've come from my P31 devotion "Soul Mates." 

*Before you leave here today, if you are married, be sure and click here to read my earlier post on "Why Men Cheat." You don't want to miss it!


On this blog we've talked several times in the past about lust, affairs, and why men cheat (according to reserach). Today we're tackling the sensitive topic of: emotional affairs.

Aren't I just a bundle of fun?!

Here's why I ask. A sweet friend contacted me to confess that she is teetering on the edge of one ... perhaps even crossing the line. She wants to resist it, but he is filling needs for her that have not been filled in a long time with his words and attention. She doesn't want to do anything wrong; she is a believer. Yet she is finding the feelings he evokes and satisfies so hard to walk away from.

Have you ever found yourself in this situation - or close to it - with someone that is not your husband? If so, how did you get to that place - and how did you get back out of it?

What advice or prayers can you offer my friend?

questions, answers, and numbers

One commenter said she'd like to know if she's the only "good Christian woman" for whom lust can creep in and distract. Well, my anonymous friend, I can confidently tell you you're not the only one - not by a long shot.

I did some research and found a study that included 12,775 Christians. One of the questions they were asked to respond to was: "I look at things I should not look at." This could encompass an actual person, a TV show, a website, a romance novel, etc. (It could also possibly encompass your daughter's diary, but I doubt that's what came to most participants' minds.) It shows that 87% of Christian women admit to looking at things they shouldn't. Check out this chart ... surprised?

The crux of the issue here is undisciplined eyes, maybe we'll talk more about that in a later post.

AmyT wanted to know if the sermon series will be posted on the web. Yes, it will be, but not until later in March. Email me around then Amy and I can send you a link.

Another commenter writes, "I noticed that we can no longer request that we be notified anytime there is a comment posted on a particular subject. Also noticed that we no longer can remove a post in the event we accidentally post twice. What happened?" I don't know what happened. I'm rather blog illiterate, actually.

Can anyone else out there help us out with this??

Lust

Have a got a topic of conversation for us today - LUST.

That word just sitting there on the page of my blog makes me slightly uncomfortable. It's as if the four letters posses some kind of bold, memorizing power when I look at them. Like they don't quite sit still. We're talking one of the "7 deadly sins" here, and I want to know what you think about it. Honestly. Authentically.

Anonymously, is fine.

• Is lust something you ever wrestle with?


• How would you define lust?


• Who is most often the target or trigger of lust for you?


• Are you married or single?
  
• What do you think influences one's tendency to lust?

And what I most want to ask you is, how do you handle it when you find yourself wrapped in lust's feel-good trance?

I'll be the first to admit that lusting feels good. It's fun to entertain ... at least until you want to stop, and find it's not so easy to push out of your mind. Suddently, you no longer feel in control of your thoughts. For real, right?

I'm helping my pastor research this topic for an upcoming sermon series, and would love to hear your thoughts, suggestions and questions about LUST in the comments. Last week we had a meeting where we discussed this topic some. I was the only female in the room, and I could tell the guys didn't think this was much of a big problem for women ... but I suspect lust is more of an equal-gender, equal-opportunity tempter than they realize. So I'm hoping you'll at least let me know if you agree or not.

Gen NeXt Marraige

Author Tricia Goyer recently sent me her latest book on marriage called Generation NeXt Marriage. Its written for those in my generation - Gen X (1964 - 1981). Since we've been talking a lot about marriage with these women of the Bible we've read, I thought I'd seek Tricia's advice for us Gen Xers in our marriages.

I wanted to know if Tricia thought there were unique challenges facing my generation in marriage and if so, how could we meet them. She offered up five challenges and her advice for addressing them:

1. Gen Xers saw more divorces than successful marriages. The divorce rate doubled between 1965-1977 and 40% of us spent time in a single-family home before age 16. We grew up in families with step-moms and half-siblings and living every other weekend with a different parent. As married adults, Gen Xers can meet their spouse’s need by speaking encouraging words, which are like gold stars to a Gen Xer’s heart … and by never using the D-word. As author Madeleine L’Engle once said, “There are a lot of marriages today that break up just at the point where they could mature and deepen.”

2. Without role models, many GenXers turned to music, movies and television for examples of healthy relationships. Now, we often we model our relationships after television sitcoms. We are good at quick comebacks and sassy remarks, without taking time to consider the other person’s heart. We also want our problems wrapped up in thirty minutes or less! Instead, Gen Xers need to understand that unrealistic expectations can hurt our relationships. We also need to treat out spouses with honor and respect, even when we don’t feel like they deserve it.

3. Our teen relationships were intense and often included sexuality, leading to intense breakups and the resulting baggage. By the time many GenXers walked down the aisle, they’d experienced several “pretend-marriages.” Spouses can break free from these bonds when we realize the truth about love, the truth about emotions, and the truth about intimacy. It’s knowing that what we had in the past wasn’t love … and emotions don’t rule. True intimacy is choosing to share our hearts and our struggles with the one we’re committed to for life.

4. Gen Xers were starved for quality time, so they appreciate balance. Doing too much stresses us out. The first thing Gen Xers need to do is realize the impact of our fast-pace lives, and then make plans for peace. It’s cutting out things that won’t matter ten years from now and focusing on the things that will.

5. Gen Xers were labeled the “slackers” and the “grunge” generation. The generations before didn’t think we’d amount to much. Because of this, Gen Xers strive hard to prove themselves. We aren’t content just “living life,” we want to reach our full potential. Spouses can encourage each other to follow their heart and fulfill their dreams. This starts with asking your spouse about his dreams, then offering encouragement and support!

Contributed by Tricia Goyer, author of Generation NeXt Marriage

Hum ... number four on her list really speaks to me. And number five motivates me to ask my husband this weekend if there are any dreams in his heart that he's not felt my blessing to pursue. Hope Tricia's insights were able to help some of you too.

More pics from fall cruise event

My girlfriend Gwen and I are both on writing deadlines right now. So we email each other periodically to try to keep each other on track. Other times we email simply to make one another laugh. Gwen and I are on the same wavelength - we crack one another up, pretty much non-stop, with the goofiest stuff only we could appreciate. Its probably a good thing we only get to be roommates at events a couple times a year.

So the other day I'm writing and Gwen sends me an email that simply says "Remember them?" with a picture attached. Gwen is always taking and sending pictures. The picture she sent was of an older couple we saw walking together through the lobby of the Atlantic Hotel in Nassau. They looked a little bit corny, yet so cute and sweet at the same time. We adored them so we took a picture after they passed by. Here they are in all their adorable love and glory:

I told Gwen in 25 years she'll invite Rick and I to visit her and Brad during their annual vacation to the beach, as they have before. And Rick and I will show up in matching Hawaiian shirts. And when Gwen laughs at us I will say in all seriousness, "Whaaat?"

Actually, I truly do hope Rick and I are so in love in 25 years that we'd want to wear matching outfits while on vacation. Really, I'd be more than OK with that. Not now, mind you, but maybe then.

Just don't tell my image consultant friend Shari that I said so!

I hope you have a girlfriend that really makes you laugh. If you struggle with having female friendships, check out my devotion on that issue here.

Here's another cruise pic of me and Gwen with some of the lovely gals from Crossings Community Church: