Why Men Cheat

Ever wonder what drives a married man to stray? You might be surprised.

The following info comes from M. Gary Neuman's research with a diverse population of 25,000 men from 48 states. You can learn more in his book The Truth About Cheating.

Let me start with this quote: "Of the men who cheated, 69% never thought it was even a possibility they would cheat on their wives." In other words, most of these men are not "players," but decent men who were deeply in love with the woman they married ... until something changed.

Let's start looking into that part of the research.

Perhaps you are already assuming frequency of sex changed after the honeymoon period and that was his reason for cheating. Well, let's look at what they said when asked the following question:

What sort of marital dissatisfaction contributed to your infidelity?

48% said Mostly Emotional Dissatisfaction.

32% said Equally Emotional and Sexual Dissatisfaction.

8% said Primarily Sexual Dissatisfaction.

12% said "other" or that there was no marital dissatisfaction of any type.

So, only 8% of the men strayed just for the sex. Meanwhile, a whopping 80% of cheating husbands said a lack of emotional fulfillment within their relationship with their wife contributed to their decision to stray. Don't miss this - they weren't just looking for sex or excitement elsewhere, they were looking for love ... admiration ... companionship ... appreciation.

Are you surprised?

The cheating men lamented that over time, their wives stopped showing them love with simple gestures like a heart-felt compliment, a quick shoulder rub after a hard day at work, or taking the time to cook his favorite meal. They said touching decreased both inside and outside of the bedroom. They reported they no longer felt appreciated by their spouse, and felt no matter what they did, their wives weren't satisfied. In short, their wives were making them feel like a disappointment.

Work harder; earn more money. - Spend more time with the kids.

Help out more with the housework. - You aren't doing that correctly.

Later this week we will look at what these men had to say about physical intimacy, but I don't want us to miss this huge lesson about men and emotional intimacy. We tend to think of women as the emotional ones, but it is a grave mistake to assume that a husband doesn't have a tender part of his heart that craves nurture and appreciation from the woman he loves.

You'd probably be amazed at how much your touch, and your opinion of him means to him.

So wives, your challenge for today is to make sure your husband unmistakably feels your appreciation. Think for just a minute, I bet you can come up with one or two ways you can connect with your husband emotionally and show him you care. Feel free to leave your plans or ideas in the comments so we can all be inspired.

I'll be back with more from this research by Thursday. Meanwhile, I'm looking forward to your reactions!

Another touchy topic

 Welcome if you've come from my P31 devotion "Soul Mates." 

*Before you leave here today, if you are married, be sure and click here to read my earlier post on "Why Men Cheat." You don't want to miss it!


On this blog we've talked several times in the past about lust, affairs, and why men cheat (according to reserach). Today we're tackling the sensitive topic of: emotional affairs.

Aren't I just a bundle of fun?!

Here's why I ask. A sweet friend contacted me to confess that she is teetering on the edge of one ... perhaps even crossing the line. She wants to resist it, but he is filling needs for her that have not been filled in a long time with his words and attention. She doesn't want to do anything wrong; she is a believer. Yet she is finding the feelings he evokes and satisfies so hard to walk away from.

Have you ever found yourself in this situation - or close to it - with someone that is not your husband? If so, how did you get to that place - and how did you get back out of it?

What advice or prayers can you offer my friend?

A Marriage Story

Remember when I spoke at my church back in March during a sermon series on lust?

After that I received an email from a woman who knew her husband was having an affair. She hinted about it on the way home from church that day - I think hoping the sermon series had softened his heart - but he stonewalled. So she was seeking some advice and prayer from me. She did not want her marriage to end, yet she was frustrated and hurt.

I responded and told her to pray. I suggested she not to get into any conversations with him about it just yet - let God work on her heart and his first. I told her to love her husband afresh, despite the affair, because love is the most transformational power in the universe. And I suggested she surround herself with wise counsel. That's my response in a nutshell.

Honestly, I didn't know if it was going to turn out well. But I heard from her again a few weeks later:

"This is just a note to let you know i did seek wise counsel and had friends walking and praying along the path to confrontation ... i have felt the lord every step of the way and waiting for his timing and his peace brought a quite different outcome than had i forged ahead like a bull in a china shop. We are healing and heading toward forgiveness, reconcilliation restoration and defining a new marriage as neither one of us can go back to how it was before. it has given the title of husband and wife a whole new sense of responsibility and honor worthy of respect and the hard work to deserve the position.

i could write a book about my journey and god's grace but right now i am focused on walking with god every step on the road to the future. thanks for listening - thanks again for coming to church to speak and for encouraging me to seek god."

It is AMAZING what God can accomplish - even things that seem impossible in our hearts and minds!

Who We Dress For

Found a poll over at fabsugar.com (not a site I tend to visit btw, just found it when researching) that asked ,"Do you dress for men or women?"

Here are the results with nearly 800 people voting:

I love catching the eye of a dashing man...
7% (56)
Definitely women - they care more what I'm wearing anyway.
19% (152)
Both: I'll take all the attention I can get!
39% (305)
Neither...I dress for me, myself and I.
34% (264)
Other - do tell!
1% (6)
Total votes: 783


So 65% (I think it's safe to assume these are women voting given the source) said they dress mainly to impress or make an impact on others. And the majority said their fashion choices are influenced by how other women will percieve them.

Meanwhile, 34% said they dress just to please themselves. Do you think there is anything wrong with either of these approaches? Is there a "correct answer" here?

(I really wonder who the other 1% are dressing for?! Maybe babies or the military?)

My image consultant friend Shari will be doing a Q&A with me here in the next day or so, and we'll address some of your comments and questions from the last post. So stay tuned for some advice from an expert!

We interrupt this series on prayer to discuss CLOTHES

My sister-in-law went to see the movie "Confessions of a Shopaholic" the other night, but said she couldn’t hear half the movie because the high school girls seated next to her were too busy whispering: “I want those shoes!” “Yeah, me too, and that purse to go with them.” “Oooh, I looove her scarf.” “Me too, let’s be on the look out for one.” “Eww, her outfit is sooo ugly.” “Yeah, totally unflattering.”

I don't think they quite caught the whole message of the movie.

My sister-in-law, a gorgeous gal in her late 20s who works standing on her feet all day and therefore wears high-quality comfy clogs, had come straight from work to this movie. She said she noticed the girls looking judgmentally at her clogs. It bothered her. She wanted to say 1) that she does own and wear cute shoes, but had just been at work and so… and 2) I don’t really have to explain or defend my shoe choices to you!

Isn’t it interesting how we can feel both those responses simultaneously when feeling judged for how we're dressed? OK, my next request may just make you feel that way.

If you’ve been reading here lately, you know I’m working with my pastor (and my husband and a team of other guys that work at my church) on an upcoming series at our church on lust called The Grass is Greener (recognize that, Angie?). Now my pastor wants me to join him on stage for one of the weeks’ messages to offer a woman’s perspective. (Note: I'm feeling this would be a really good time to pray for me!) Today in a meeting we were discussing what topics to cover that week and the subject of women and clothing came up.

The guys were curious why women – including Christian women and including happily married women – dress somewhat evocatively (this was their opinion of how many women often look) ... even to go to work, or church, or bowling. By evocatively they seemed to mean with very fitted clothing, or shorter skirts and heels, or v-neck tops that show cleavage, or anything that says (or even whispers), I'm sexy.

So gals, let me hear from you on this topic. Why do you dress the way that you do? What governs your fashion choices?

Do you feel pressure from anyone to look a certain way? Do you think we should cover up to avoid tempting men to lust? Share your thoughts!

Oh, and as I said before, feel free to post anonymously because I could use some real life stories and honest input here. Don't worry if you found this post weeks after it was written - I still want to hear your feelings on how women dress. Thanks!

Lust and an OT wife

UPDATED
Hi All. Sorry to be missing in action the better part of a week. But I had two sicks kids, and then a speaking engagement trip to Virgina last weekend that I took the whole family on this time. It was good to get away together for a few days. Family must always come first, y'all know that I hope. Nonetheless, I've been missing you, and my blog, and remembering your great comments and verses about lust.

The topic for last weekend's retreat was Breathe Deep, which is a whole different topic but it had us in 1 Thessalonians chapter 4 at one point. In the beginning of that chapter it reads:

"Finally, dear brothers and sisters, we urge you in the name of the Lord Jesus to live in a way that pleases God, as we have taught you. You live this way already, and we encourage you to do so even more. For you remember what we taught you by the authority of the Lord Jesus.

God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor— not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways. Never harm or cheat a Christian brother in this matter by violating his wife, for the Lord avenges all such sins, as we have solemnly warned you before. God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives." (vs.1-7)

Ever wondered what God's will for you is? It says right there "to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin." As some of the earlier commenters said, FLEE from it! Don't mess around on the slippery slope of lust.

Daydreaming, staring, flirting, turning another man's head can all feel good to a woman, but it is playing with fire. As Proverbs 6:27-28 asks, "Can someone scoop a flame into his lap and not have his clothes catch on fire? Can someone walk on hot coals and not blister his feet?" So it is when we allow ourselves to lust after someone we shouldn't.

There is an Old Testament case of a woman who didn't exercise self-control over her lust. It was the wife of Potiphar and she had a thing for the handsome Joseph. Ever read her story? You can follow this link to read it online in Genesis 39-41.

Mrs. Potipher didn't just have an oh-wow-he's really-hot moment and then move on. She didn't just have a wonder-what-it's-like-to-be-his-girl thought, that she then took captive and refocused on her husband. No, she looked lustfully upon Joseph day after day, and obsessed about him in her mind. She tried to attract him and seduce him. In fact, she propositioned him, and more than once. He resisted.

She did not flee from sexual immorality ... she sent it a hand-written, personal invitation to move into her heart and set up shop. And once it did, things went very downhill from there. Follow this link if you want to read my earlier discussion of her during last year's online Bible study.

She may have thought she was in love with Joseph, I don't know, but none of her actions towards him demonstrated love. Love is patient, kind, and does not envy what it does not have. Love is not rude or pushy, not self-seeking. Nor is it easily angered, or punishing. (see 1 Cor. 13:4-5) She may have wanted some "lovin" from Joseph but her actions toward him were the exact opposite of loving - every single one of them. The. Exact. Opposite.

BTW, a few commenters had said that sometimes looking at another man doesn't make them want him so much as it makes them wish their husbands were like him. I get that - and technically that may not be the same thing as lusting, or maybe it is. What do you think? Either way its still something we have to be careful of because of the love does not envy what it does not have thing. I think it is still like heaping hot coals into your lap because it grows our discontentment with our own spouse.

I'm curious if anyone can think of another example of female lust in the Bible?

questions, answers, and numbers

One commenter said she'd like to know if she's the only "good Christian woman" for whom lust can creep in and distract. Well, my anonymous friend, I can confidently tell you you're not the only one - not by a long shot.

I did some research and found a study that included 12,775 Christians. One of the questions they were asked to respond to was: "I look at things I should not look at." This could encompass an actual person, a TV show, a website, a romance novel, etc. (It could also possibly encompass your daughter's diary, but I doubt that's what came to most participants' minds.) It shows that 87% of Christian women admit to looking at things they shouldn't. Check out this chart ... surprised?

The crux of the issue here is undisciplined eyes, maybe we'll talk more about that in a later post.

AmyT wanted to know if the sermon series will be posted on the web. Yes, it will be, but not until later in March. Email me around then Amy and I can send you a link.

Another commenter writes, "I noticed that we can no longer request that we be notified anytime there is a comment posted on a particular subject. Also noticed that we no longer can remove a post in the event we accidentally post twice. What happened?" I don't know what happened. I'm rather blog illiterate, actually.

Can anyone else out there help us out with this??

Lust

Have a got a topic of conversation for us today - LUST.

That word just sitting there on the page of my blog makes me slightly uncomfortable. It's as if the four letters posses some kind of bold, memorizing power when I look at them. Like they don't quite sit still. We're talking one of the "7 deadly sins" here, and I want to know what you think about it. Honestly. Authentically.

Anonymously, is fine.

• Is lust something you ever wrestle with?


• How would you define lust?


• Who is most often the target or trigger of lust for you?


• Are you married or single?
  
• What do you think influences one's tendency to lust?

And what I most want to ask you is, how do you handle it when you find yourself wrapped in lust's feel-good trance?

I'll be the first to admit that lusting feels good. It's fun to entertain ... at least until you want to stop, and find it's not so easy to push out of your mind. Suddently, you no longer feel in control of your thoughts. For real, right?

I'm helping my pastor research this topic for an upcoming sermon series, and would love to hear your thoughts, suggestions and questions about LUST in the comments. Last week we had a meeting where we discussed this topic some. I was the only female in the room, and I could tell the guys didn't think this was much of a big problem for women ... but I suspect lust is more of an equal-gender, equal-opportunity tempter than they realize. So I'm hoping you'll at least let me know if you agree or not.